Week 31

A little over a year ago we had just finished our first IVF cycle. I was angry, jaded, disappointed, sad... and look at me now.

I know it's been a while since i've written. At first, i didn't want to say much about my pregnancy. Scared about a miscarriage, i thought that if i waited until at least wk 12, i'd feel better and be ready to talk about it. But wk 12 came and went with no drama. And now here we are at week 31. And sometimes i really think we're still in denial.

To say that everything has been "perfect" would be closer to the truth than to say that it's been terrible. Each week has come and gone with no dramas. No problems. Nothing to worry about. Nothing to be scared about. Not even one trip to the bathroom to chuck up breakfast, lunch or dinner. But how quickly we forget how hard we've tried to make this baby and start to focus on the aches and pains and how uncomfortable i feel at times.

Still, as i sit here at 4am in the morning, unable to sleep, a little munchkin alien bumping around in my belly, starving, thirsty, busting for a wee (again), i feel so, so grateful that i have been given this miracle. And at week 31 with everything going well and only 9 weeks until my delivery date, I take a moment to think about how lucky i am and how i should enjoy the discomforts, the pokes and jabs into my bladder, the constant need to stuff my face with anything unhealthy that i can get my hand on, the hourly wake ups at night, the worry (yes, i still worry), the hemorroids and constipation, the feeling of being a little sick ever so often - but not sick enough to throw up, the sore knuckles, the aching feet, the one stretch mark i've found, the rapidly growing belly that doesn't seem like it can take much more stretching, the idea that a great big giant change in my life is only a few weeks away...

5 weeks, 2 days

Since my last post, it has been absolutely the busiest i've been for 6 months. Great timing – Not! About Wednesday last week it exploded and we were flat out til today.

Even in my personal life, things have gotten crazy. Obviously happy about being pregnant. I still can't believe it at times. We've since gotten another bt and the levels were again "perfect". Bhcg was 1310. So hopefully it's going well. I just can't help worrying sometimes. But there isn't anything i can do now to make it better if anything went wrong later so i might as well be happy and optimistic and enjoy it. It's still there, though, just a bit of worry.

Then my psychotic cousin who i've been trying to push away for years now finally had enough (well it was her husband) and wrote a nasty email telling me i was rude, discourteous and had an lack of effort. I just wish they'd get the hint and leave me alone. They've been trying to control and manipulate me for years and i've been slowly trying to distance myself from them. And yet they continue to hound me.

We've got 2 weeks til we leave for Singapore (horay for christmas break!) and a bit of a holiday. I'm so exhausted and just want to rest for a bit.

Things i forgot to say

Levels yesterday was 331 which Doc D said were "perfect". Trust me, she is not one to embellish so it must be really good.

I'm going to do the early pregnancy monitoring thing, just to give me a bit of peace of mind. This means weekly blood tests and ultrasounds at 7, 9 and 11wks

Apparently, i have to also book my DELIVERY... it's getting all a bit too much, now.

Things that might have helped

It might have been:

• all that pinapple i ate
• all the fish oil i took
• all my accupuncture sessions
• all the folate i swallowed
• my living in denial
• the exercise i did weeks before
• the exercise i did not do during the cycle
• the two yoga classes i took before collection
• the sobbing in the collection room
• the one bright star of a blastocyst
• eating things for kidney yang deficiency
• using a hottie after transfer to warm my belly (but not too warm)
• soaking my feet in hot water in the evenings
• keeping as busy as possible
• all the drugs we took for 2 cycles back to back
• buying a steamer and eating steamed fish and veggies
• the metamucil to keep me unclogged
• acting "normal" and pretending like we weren't doing anything really
• drinking tea with sugar
• coffee with soy
• cutting out dairy
• not eating processed carbs or wheat

But most of all, maybe it was nothing i did at all.

Monday

Well, we had our bt on saturday and Doc D actually called me to say congratulations (i told her i thought docs only called with bad news - but she does the good news too). I couldn't believe it! I don't know what to do or say or feel. I think i'm still in a bit of shock. She said my pregnancy hormone was 119 which is great for 9dp5dt. They look for anything over 100 on 11dp5dt so our result was great. Also said i could get another bt on monday to see if it was going well which i said, yes, definately. I'm a bit paranoid.

We were in the car driving to Canberra at the time with 2 of G's siblings and one of their fiancees in the back seat so it wasn't like G and i could celebrate right away. G wasn't sure if he wanted to tell anyone yet. He didn't even want his parents to know! But in the end he fessed up to his mum. She was asking how our "star" was and i was giving him dirty looks so he told her. By the end of the w/end, his little sister knew as well (i told her) and i had to tell his mum to not get too excited because i didn't need the extra pressure. There are some advantages to keeping things a secret.

So still waiting for the results of today's bt, but everyone keeps telling me what a good result it is. I'm happy, relieved, excited, but i think at the same time, i keep remembering our 9wk miscarriage (which not many people know about so wouldn't understand why i'm so paranoid) and so i'm still a bit cautious about getting ahead of myself. The nurse today who took my blood was a bit puzzled as to why i was there, saying that my result on sat was really good.

I am happy but it will be nice to get the call to say things are going well.

In a bit of a twitter

I know i shouldn't have, and i haven't before until i was sure the cycle was over and just wanted to confirm it, but i took a home pregnancy test last night and it was very faintly positive.

What the heck! A few days of believing my period is on its way and wa-lah, a positive hpt. It seems that every time i've written something off, it happens for me. Maybe i should just do that all the time now. Be completely-negative-girl and then everything will be fine.

Anyways, it's still really early. and the lines were really faint (ok, so i did 3 different tests, all faintly positive). And i did email Doc D and fess up and asked if it could be the Pregnyl i was injecting and she said maybe but probably not. And thank goodness she had some mercy in her heart because she's allowed me to move my bt up til tomorrow.

So it's still a bit more waiting, but hey, it's better than having my period! And maybe our little Thanksgiving "star" blastocyst will come good. But that would be a positive thing to say and completely against what i should be saying, right?

Feeling good

I'm feeling good at the moment. Really good. Happy, calm, sane. Sure, a couple hours ago, i was pissy. With life, with love, with work, with everything. Just pissy.

But right now, this very moment, i'm feeling good. Maybe it's because i have just been looking at my sister in law's wedding invitations and thinking of these two young lovers, ready to start their lives together, everything in front of them. Or maybe i just ate a huge slice of teacake and i'm high on the sugar rush. Whatever it is, i'll take it.

Last night was the first night i slept well. Slept all the way through. The previous nights i had been up at 3am to use the bathroom and just not able to get back to sleep. Last night, i made a conscious effort to stay up as late as possible and i slept all the way through. Woke up feeling great.

One more day til the end of the week, then we're heading down to Canberra on Saturday, back on Sunday and then bt on Monday. Been cramping, feeling premenstrual, acting like i 'm probably not pregnant, and for some reason, that's easier to take than waiting and hoping and wondering.

Normal... not.

The obsessing is over. I had been reading my TCM book and following the instructions for all these things that could help me get pregnant. This included eating no dairy, no wheat, only warm foods. That book was also responsible for my fascination with pineapple.

Well, stuff it! Nothing's going to help. I feel like i'm just waiting for my period to begin and then i can start looking forward to Christmas without this THING hanging over my head.

I am grumpy... so very grumpy... like a mammoth case of PMS. So i've been stuffing my face with pasta, liberal lashings of butter and milk, drinking cold water, putting sugar in my tea. I've decided that nothing... really.. nothing is going to help. Forget the abstinence thing too!

I just don't understand it! i just can't believe anymore that this might work. That i have 5 days to go in the 2ww and i might just have good news. I am instead preparing myself for the aweful task of telling all the wonderful people in my life that it's another failure.

The only good thing is that i'm able to be normal (well, judge for yourself). To not think of it too much, to just get on with things and wait for the eventual spotting in my undies.