My period has started and is of mammoth proportions. My belly aches and now i just wish it would end! it would be nice to spend the day curled up in a ball in bed. We were given the ok today to start our Puregon injections along with Lucrin. Next bt is on Monday.
It's a long weekend and i am very happy about that. We're heading off to Canberra tomorrow to see the in laws. I still haven't decided whether or not to tell them about this cycle. We did last time and it was ok, until the end where i think they were utterly devastated about the lack of grandchildren and started to give us advice on how to make it happen. weird... very weird.
And now my mum in law calls me up when she sees shows on TV about how to get pregnant and going to see natural therapists or chinese herbalists and tells me i should go. I don't know if i have the heart to tell her that it is probably her son's lack of properly propelling sperm that's the problem. I mean, i think i mentioned it but to them he's like this beautiful, perfect god child who can do no wrong and would never have deficient genetic material.
Well all i can say is that we tried for 2 years before getting HIM tested and after seeing his results, our doc said, "enough's enough, go do ivf". AND we have to shell out additional $$$ so that we can do ICSI (where they insert the poor buggers into the egg). But the good news is that he has some and Doc D said it isn't so bad that our children would be sterile. Phew!
But that being said, i do agree with the inlaws that i have married the most beautiful, wondeful man who injects me with as little pain as possible, has only ever given me one bruise on my belly, never complains when i snap at him in a hormonal rage, supports me when i have stress attacks and loves me for all my weirdnesses.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Belly bruising
I've got my first belly bruise from an injection. It's a bit of a surprise, really, because, all through the first cycle and til now, i have never bruised. I thought that my man G was very clever because i know that some women bruise alot.
I think it's cause i took it standing up. Usually i lie down and act all pathetic, wait for the jab (which usually doesn't hurt) and beg for a kiss after. This time, we were in a rush so i just stood. I didn't even notice the bruise until i went to my accupunturist and he asked me if that was from the needles.
another blood test tomorrow. no sign of my period.
I think it's cause i took it standing up. Usually i lie down and act all pathetic, wait for the jab (which usually doesn't hurt) and beg for a kiss after. This time, we were in a rush so i just stood. I didn't even notice the bruise until i went to my accupunturist and he asked me if that was from the needles.
another blood test tomorrow. no sign of my period.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Various things
I just spent a lovely sunday.
My friend, T for my 32nd Bday took me to the Aveda Spa for a caribean body wrap and massage.
Then i went to my friend, the lovely J's place and spent the afternoon lolling about on her sofa and chatting. I've only just told her about us doing IVF and they are thinking of starting to try (naturally) at the end of this month so she asked if it was ok and i said, of course. I mean, i'm not God and i can't say when anyone can and will have offspring, obviously because i haven't and seem to be having a wee bit of trouble myself.
I don't know why with some people i have a reaction between anger and hate when i find out their "happy news"... I think to myself, THAT IS NOT FAIR!!! and for goodness sakes, just don't tell me and for the love of god, stop procreating!
But with J and T, i'm just really happy for them and want to be able to enjoy the experience with them. (Yes, i do have my days with T, when i shut the door behind her and burst into tears and cry and rave and wonder why it can't happen to me!)
I find myself alternating between happy optimism about this next cycle and sad expectation of failure. I mean, it's only my second go, and the first time, i got pregnant from dodgy blastocysts and the doctor says it's good indicator of future success.
J said an interesting thing today. She said that, perhaps the more we know, the more facts, procedures, strategies we try, the more difficult it is. Maybe she's right. Though, she hasn't gone through the motions, hasn't been smacked in the face with infertility yet (and probably never will).
It would be nice to be naive again.
My friend, T for my 32nd Bday took me to the Aveda Spa for a caribean body wrap and massage.
Then i went to my friend, the lovely J's place and spent the afternoon lolling about on her sofa and chatting. I've only just told her about us doing IVF and they are thinking of starting to try (naturally) at the end of this month so she asked if it was ok and i said, of course. I mean, i'm not God and i can't say when anyone can and will have offspring, obviously because i haven't and seem to be having a wee bit of trouble myself.
I don't know why with some people i have a reaction between anger and hate when i find out their "happy news"... I think to myself, THAT IS NOT FAIR!!! and for goodness sakes, just don't tell me and for the love of god, stop procreating!
But with J and T, i'm just really happy for them and want to be able to enjoy the experience with them. (Yes, i do have my days with T, when i shut the door behind her and burst into tears and cry and rave and wonder why it can't happen to me!)
I find myself alternating between happy optimism about this next cycle and sad expectation of failure. I mean, it's only my second go, and the first time, i got pregnant from dodgy blastocysts and the doctor says it's good indicator of future success.
J said an interesting thing today. She said that, perhaps the more we know, the more facts, procedures, strategies we try, the more difficult it is. Maybe she's right. Though, she hasn't gone through the motions, hasn't been smacked in the face with infertility yet (and probably never will).
It would be nice to be naive again.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Yippee! it's a go
We've been given the go ahead to start Lucrin injections. My period never came and they said i can now just do the Lucrin then go in for another bt next thursday.
Is it a bit psychotic to be so excited about poking needles in myself?
Is it a bit psychotic to be so excited about poking needles in myself?
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Beating heart
I went to my friends 15 week ultrasound today and actually saw a beating heart on the monitor. It was wonderful. I thought to myself. Now that's what it's supposed to look like.
If it had been anyone else, i don't think i would have been able to deal with seeing that monitor and the little tiny being who is so tiny but yet so perfect sitting there inside my friends body. But i love T and am so happy for her so i was there to support her because her partner was away.
Though, it is hard. I look at her and wish i could to have a baby, to see that flutter of the heart on the ultrasound monitor, to hear the doctor tell me that everything looks great and there's a 1 in 16 million chance that anything will go wrong.
So i still wait. i just wish i knew what was going on.
If it had been anyone else, i don't think i would have been able to deal with seeing that monitor and the little tiny being who is so tiny but yet so perfect sitting there inside my friends body. But i love T and am so happy for her so i was there to support her because her partner was away.
Though, it is hard. I look at her and wish i could to have a baby, to see that flutter of the heart on the ultrasound monitor, to hear the doctor tell me that everything looks great and there's a 1 in 16 million chance that anything will go wrong.
So i still wait. i just wish i knew what was going on.
Friday, September 15, 2006
30th bday
On my 30th bday i was pregnant, glowing, nauseous and all the lovely things that come along with it. We were on holidays and it was lovely.
A few weeks later we had our first ultrasound and when they called a doctor in, i knew it wasn't good news. There was no heartbeat. Devastation hit.
I sometimes think it took me a whole year to feel myself again. The bitter, angry, crazy person that was me for most of my 30th year was sad, hopeless, hurt.
I know it was early on (9wks) but it changed me. Each year, on my birthday, i remember what i was on my 30th and wonder if i will ever have a birthday without thinking about the 1 and a half year old i would have now. What would my life be like now if everything went well.
Only a handful of people know about that first one and in hindsight, i think the secret of it all makes it harder for me who naturaly yabbers on about everything and anything, having to stop myself when this subject comes up. I think people thought my first failed IVF cycle would crush me, but it didn't. Next to my first miscarriage, it was a walk in the park. It still hurt but not that horrible, don't know if i can pull myself out of it - pain that lasted for almost that whole year before it went away and was replaced by numbness, wondering and waiting.
A few weeks later we had our first ultrasound and when they called a doctor in, i knew it wasn't good news. There was no heartbeat. Devastation hit.
I sometimes think it took me a whole year to feel myself again. The bitter, angry, crazy person that was me for most of my 30th year was sad, hopeless, hurt.
I know it was early on (9wks) but it changed me. Each year, on my birthday, i remember what i was on my 30th and wonder if i will ever have a birthday without thinking about the 1 and a half year old i would have now. What would my life be like now if everything went well.
Only a handful of people know about that first one and in hindsight, i think the secret of it all makes it harder for me who naturaly yabbers on about everything and anything, having to stop myself when this subject comes up. I think people thought my first failed IVF cycle would crush me, but it didn't. Next to my first miscarriage, it was a walk in the park. It still hurt but not that horrible, don't know if i can pull myself out of it - pain that lasted for almost that whole year before it went away and was replaced by numbness, wondering and waiting.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Stupid periods
Well, i just got a call from the clinic and according to the blood test, my period is just about to start and it's too late to start the lucrin in order to start the cycle today. (It could also mean that i haven't ovulated yet. Typical. Who the hell really knows! If i don't get my period before next thursday, i have to go repeat the bt again. geeze.)
So in the meantime, i have to wait for my freakin period (which is, in all honestly, as illusive as the woodpecker is to the cayote). Then I go on the pill, then start the Lucrin, have another freakin period and then start the FSH.
I'm a self-confessed non-patient person so this to me is a bit annoying. My stupid body and it's stupid cycles! If i do get my period early, i will be very, very surprised.
But on the bright side (as my Pollyanna husband is always looking on), i have more time to loose some weight, get fitter and begin to relax. I am, however, the anti-pollyanna and i just want to get started and be doing something.
So in the meantime, i have to wait for my freakin period (which is, in all honestly, as illusive as the woodpecker is to the cayote). Then I go on the pill, then start the Lucrin, have another freakin period and then start the FSH.
I'm a self-confessed non-patient person so this to me is a bit annoying. My stupid body and it's stupid cycles! If i do get my period early, i will be very, very surprised.
But on the bright side (as my Pollyanna husband is always looking on), i have more time to loose some weight, get fitter and begin to relax. I am, however, the anti-pollyanna and i just want to get started and be doing something.
First BT
So i've had my first bt this morning to see if i've ovulated and if i can start the Lucrin injections. I guess this isn't the start of the cycle but i feel like i'm doing something now. Don't get me wrong. I don't enjoy getting poked by a needle but it's better than sitting and waiting for something to happen.
Picked up my drugs. A tiny vail and lots of syringes.
The waiting room this morning was packed with women (and men, which is odd, usually, the guys stay away - maybe it's a first time for lots of them). Waiting room etiquette is unique. Most sit, intently scrutinising their magazine, not a word is spoken (unless you're with a friend or partner). Most of us, i think, steal glances at the others as they sit, wondering if we will notice anyone and recognise them (i think i saw a famous face today, although, couldn't have been that famous if i didn't know the name).
I live in terror of running into one of my clients there or them seeing my name on the list. I mean, what would it do to business! (we run our own company and at the moment, i feel if i were to disappear, it would all fall in a heap... and that would be no good because my clientelle is most of our income... not helping with the stress level)
I'm also off to accupuncture. not sure if it will help, but it is very relaxing and a bit of me time, although, one would wonder why i would want to be poked by needles again and again.
Anyway, waiting for their call to see if we're all clear to start the Lucrin.
Picked up my drugs. A tiny vail and lots of syringes.
The waiting room this morning was packed with women (and men, which is odd, usually, the guys stay away - maybe it's a first time for lots of them). Waiting room etiquette is unique. Most sit, intently scrutinising their magazine, not a word is spoken (unless you're with a friend or partner). Most of us, i think, steal glances at the others as they sit, wondering if we will notice anyone and recognise them (i think i saw a famous face today, although, couldn't have been that famous if i didn't know the name).
I live in terror of running into one of my clients there or them seeing my name on the list. I mean, what would it do to business! (we run our own company and at the moment, i feel if i were to disappear, it would all fall in a heap... and that would be no good because my clientelle is most of our income... not helping with the stress level)
I'm also off to accupuncture. not sure if it will help, but it is very relaxing and a bit of me time, although, one would wonder why i would want to be poked by needles again and again.
Anyway, waiting for their call to see if we're all clear to start the Lucrin.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Waiting for Round 2
Nobody ever expects to have problems conceiving. You start on the procreation journey with wild abandon, enjoying each other, thinking that it will happen when it happens. Quickly, swiftly it becomes a routine of thermometers, mucus, calendars and monthly disappointment.
We tried for a year, became pregnant, had a miscarriage and kept trying for another year and a half. This year, it was time to up the ante.
IVF #1 was what i called "easy" until we got into the 2 week wait. I suppose the fact that the drugs did very little to me, helped the "easy" description. We did a short cycle with only Puregon and Orgalutran. That first time, we collected 7 eggs, 6 of which were injected, 4 fertilised but only 2 made it to day 5. and they were dodgy and slow in development. They both ended up back in my body and i don't know which one implanted (or if both did). In the end Doc D called it a biochemical pregnancy and i, after spending nights over the toilet bowl, was utterly confused.
So here i am, again, waiting for the next cycle. The plan is to start Lucrin on day 22, then the Puregon and Lucrin, and so on and so forth.
I suppose at the end of round 1, we were over it, went away for 3 weeks holiday and came back saying we were in no rush and that we'd wait til next year. But as the days went on, i just wanted to be doing something! so we decided and now we wait for round 2.
Wish us luck!
We tried for a year, became pregnant, had a miscarriage and kept trying for another year and a half. This year, it was time to up the ante.
IVF #1 was what i called "easy" until we got into the 2 week wait. I suppose the fact that the drugs did very little to me, helped the "easy" description. We did a short cycle with only Puregon and Orgalutran. That first time, we collected 7 eggs, 6 of which were injected, 4 fertilised but only 2 made it to day 5. and they were dodgy and slow in development. They both ended up back in my body and i don't know which one implanted (or if both did). In the end Doc D called it a biochemical pregnancy and i, after spending nights over the toilet bowl, was utterly confused.
So here i am, again, waiting for the next cycle. The plan is to start Lucrin on day 22, then the Puregon and Lucrin, and so on and so forth.
I suppose at the end of round 1, we were over it, went away for 3 weeks holiday and came back saying we were in no rush and that we'd wait til next year. But as the days went on, i just wanted to be doing something! so we decided and now we wait for round 2.
Wish us luck!
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