30th bday

On my 30th bday i was pregnant, glowing, nauseous and all the lovely things that come along with it. We were on holidays and it was lovely.

A few weeks later we had our first ultrasound and when they called a doctor in, i knew it wasn't good news. There was no heartbeat. Devastation hit.

I sometimes think it took me a whole year to feel myself again. The bitter, angry, crazy person that was me for most of my 30th year was sad, hopeless, hurt.

I know it was early on (9wks) but it changed me. Each year, on my birthday, i remember what i was on my 30th and wonder if i will ever have a birthday without thinking about the 1 and a half year old i would have now. What would my life be like now if everything went well.

Only a handful of people know about that first one and in hindsight, i think the secret of it all makes it harder for me who naturaly yabbers on about everything and anything, having to stop myself when this subject comes up. I think people thought my first failed IVF cycle would crush me, but it didn't. Next to my first miscarriage, it was a walk in the park. It still hurt but not that horrible, don't know if i can pull myself out of it - pain that lasted for almost that whole year before it went away and was replaced by numbness, wondering and waiting.