Monday

On Sunday morning, after me having a cry over our lack of anything settled in our lives, G came back with the following:

1. If this works, we stick it out here in Sydney and the business so that we can both have time to spend with junior.

2. If it doesn't work, we close shop, pack our bags, get jobs in and move to Singapore (and forget the procreation thing for a couple of years).

That sounded good to me and those are now the stakes. Not that we're trying to put any more pressure on me. Both options could be good. And more, importantly, we will be working towards a definate goal.

When you're waiting to have kids, you end up waiting on a whole bunch of other things too. Every question about our lives has been answered with... "let's wait til your pregnant to make that decision". And it is just so frustrating because, getting pregnant doesn't seem to be our choice. So we've been waiting. and waiting. And nothing seems to be happening.

So after these 4 days are gone, we should be know what direction our lives are going in.

End of week

One more hour til it's five o'clock and the weekend begins. This week has been torturous and i bet next week will be more so.

Things i have eaten today:
Bowl of oatmeal
2 hardboiled eggs
Greasy cheeseburger
2 Lemon cream bikkies
Handful of pepitas
1 string of licorice (before i found out i shouldn't be eating that)
2 cups of tea (one with globs of sweetened condensed milk)
Stick of string cheese
Ferrero rocher

I realise my accupuncturist would be fairly disappointed that i have not taken better care of my diet (especially the burger). I guess it's not so bad. But like i said, i just keep nervously nibbling and wanting to eat something. Now i am just dying for thai tonight... or indian which again probably isn't the best thing for me, and i did have a huge plate of greasy fried noodles last night.

We have a full fridge of really good (or previously good) produce that i just can't be bothered to cook. We've eaten out every single night this week (except for monday) but i really seriously don't have the mental or physical stamina to stand by a hot stove and cook things at the end of the day.

Last night, while at the shops, G and i debated buying some early pregnancy tests to have on hand. We opted not to because the temptation would be too great and the chances of a false positive or negative are quite high.

I keep having pains down around my groin and i can't remember if it's like that when i'm getting my period.

How will i ever make it til next thursday?

4dpt

It's now day 4 of the wait with a week more to go. I've been trying to stay busy and not think about it. Not hope about it. Not give up hope on it. Most of all, just get through the time as quickly as possible but everytime i look up at the clock it is only 5 minutes after the last time i looked at the clock!

I've started watching out for symptoms... Am i feeling nauseous or am i just hungry. Is that spotting or just nothing.

I've tried to stop Googling everything from "slow blastocyst" to "ivf rates" to "provera" (which Doc D said we'd use next time). I need to stay off the internet. But in the absence of things to do, what else can i do?

I've also started nervously nibbling on things all day. i can't stop. i'll have gained kilos by the end of this! not good! not good at all!

G, who started this week with so much promise, making me lunch, cleaning things up before i could worry about it, has slacked off big time and it's back to me making the meals, cleaning, picking things up. He's still good but nowhere near the intensity as Sunday and Monday. Sigh...

I would like to spend the day in bed watching television because at least then i'm entertained and "busy" and not thinking about it.

2dpt

It's day 2 of the 11 day wait. (I hope they don't think that i haven't noticed that they have added a day to the wait.) Usually it's 10 days. Had my last injection of Pregnyl last night and did it hurt! I suppose i'm a bit more sensative lately, but it really killed.

I find the medical thing so confusing. A week ago, Doc D said we might try Heparin from day 5 because sometimes that helps maintain the pregnancy but they don't know why. Then when i asked again on transfer day, she said i could if i wanted but it probably won't do anything. What does that mean?

Today is a slow day at work. I know i'm the boss, but i do feel guilty when i have my staff doing all the work and i'm bludging, but you know what, that's what i pay them to do. I mean, i don't usually get paid to be here anyways so what the hell, they should do all the work and i should sit on my unofficially "pregnant" ass and let them.

Transfer

We had our egg transfer yesterday at 10am. Again, those freakin blastocysts were taking their time developing. I said... "maybe we just have slow embryos" and Doc D said, "Maybe... Probably takes after the dad." I was on the floor laughing! Sometimes i love this Doc D. She is so fabulous and i don't know if she's just joking or if she can sense what i'm feeling about how G is.

After our first meeting with her, she wrote a letter to my OB saying that i was keen to move forward but G was "less though". Those were her words. G, obviously wasn't impressed and totally denied feeling "less though". He is just as unimpressed about the "takes after the dad" comment. I think she was trying to make me feel like it wasn't totally on me, them being so dodgy.

They put two back into me again and i spent the rest on the day being waited on hand and foot. Slow or not, G is a such a sweetheart and really trying hard to keep me from being stressed.

Doc D said they were developing more slowly that she would have liked but couldn't tell us if it was as bad as last time. The embryologist, however, said they were ok and starting to compact and come good. So who the hell knows what to think! We're stuck, for the next 10 days, in will it or won't it stick land. and it blows!

Poor G is doing well today, knowing that i'm a hormonal and a waiting wreck, he's agreed with me on everything, even if i am a bit pissy and very close to tears alot, he's supported me and been really nice. I love him so much.

3dpc

We have two 8 cell embryos and one 7 cell embryo. The fourth one is going along slowly but overall they were pretty happy that we had 3 that were progressing fairly well... and i am relieved.

I guess that by Sunday, they could arrest or stop growing, but right now, this very moment, i'm so thankful that we have two at 8 cells. Maybe Doc D is right and it only takes one. I guess she's seen alot more than i have.

It's amazing to me that with all that science can do, it still can't predict what will happen after the eggs have been collected and the sperm injected. Absolutely crappy embryos become babies and completely perfect blastocysts don't implant.

I have to believe in a higher power that knows when and where is the right time for the right couple or person. Because science, with all its wonders and amazing possibilities still is guessing once the embryos hit the petri dish.

Oh the drugs

The only good thing about egg collection is the drugs. In the midst of the procedure, Doc D asked if i wanted more and i said definately. The rest was lovely... To get that vein, however, she stuck the needle in and kept shoving it up and down to finally get the vein. Didn't hurt too bad though, and again, once the drugs hit, i didn't really care.

To explain what happens at an egg collection, you basically walk into the room, sit down, they put the sedative into your hand, then you get comfy, legs on stirrups, they swab the inside of your uterus with a local anesthetic then they stick a big long needle (and a ultrasound) up and poke through your uterus to get to your ovaries where they then suck out all the follicles and hopefully many, many eggs.

Unfortunately for us, there weren't many. After the first vial of fluid was clear (no eggs!) i started to stress. We had made a bet. G said 11 and i said 1. Doc D said she hoped for something in between. Somewhere between me saying how much i loved the drugs and telling G "bugger" at the end of the procedure, we were told there were 4 eggs. I almost burst into tears.

4 precious round things with the fuzzy edge outside the hard edge and my genetic material inside. Through my blurry vision, i stared at them, saying "they don't look too good". I thought i had seen pics on the web of good eggs and these didn't look like them. But it must have been the drugs because i think the scientist walked over to the screen and pointed out the parts of the egg and tried to assure me that these were fine and mature.

Doc D said "to be honest, you have more eggs than i thought you would". Comforting thought – not! I mean, how many did she think i would have! After them telling me all through the cycle that things were going well... She also said "it only takes one".

Before the procedure, she had called it the cycle from hell... again, i had thought it was all going so well because they were telling me that!

The scientist came in to tell us that there were actually 5 eggs but one wasn't such a good one but they would try to fertilise it anyways.

G got the thumbs up for his contribution and we headed home. When the drugs wore off, i was sore. I ached for the rest of the day, hiding in my bedroom, watching TV or napping. I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, sillyness replaced with worry because i honestly thought that the eggs wouldn't fertilise and we would have nothing.

They called this morning to say that all 4 good eggs had fertilised and that transfer will most probably be on Sunday.

So now i feel empty, bored, with nothing else to be done but hope that my oocytes and G's swimmers, now combined will become nice, healthy blastocysts for transfer. Back at psychotically looking at my calendar, i've figured out that i'll know on the 1st or 2nd of November.

If only the next 2 weeks could be lived in that hazy, happy drug induced euphoria where nothing hurts, everyone is funny and even the bad things in life aren't so bad!

C2: Collection day

People who don't have to go through IVF have no idea about it nor do they want to. Those lucky buggers! But you would think that close friends would at least try and take an interest.

My friends have called egg collection "that egg thing", "egg exportation", "egg hunt" and one person actually thought we were going to a farm to collect hen eggs.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about the end of this cycle and what it might mean. Stressing that there will be nobody to look after my business, therefore we'd have no income and end up living in a box on the street. I suppose that is a bit overly dramatic, but i think about these things.

To pass the time til 12.15, i'll be accompanying my friend T to her doctors appointment. She just found out the sex of her child and i'm so excited for her. I think if this cycle fails, i wouldn't be in any state to go with her but at the moment, i'm fine.

My accupuncturist says i look calm and ready. More so than last year when i first went to see him. He gave me some accupressure points to press to help relax me, told me to breath deeply and wished me luck. So committed is he to my situation that he won't be seeing me on egg transfer day (as it's on a Sunday).

I wish i felt calm and ready. Ready for the two weeks of standing just on the edge of a cliff but not able to look over it to see if there's a bridge or just a vast area of darkness.

Egg collection

Yay, egg collection has been scheduled for tomorrow at 12.15pm. Thank goodness! I've had my last injections for this cycle and triggered last night a bit after midnight. So there's nothing to today but stay busy and positive and hope for the best.

U/s 3 – 17 years

Yesterday was the day that me and G started dating. 17 years ago, can you believe it! Where did the time go? It's just gone so terribly fast. What's not going fast is the growth of my follicles. Had another u/sound and bt yesterday.

Right leading follicle is 18mm
Left leading follice is 15mm
Endometrium is 13mm

I was hoping that they would be around the 20mm mark so they could harvest them this weekend and we could get on with things. Instead, i've got awefully enormous and sore breasts and a perpetual bloated feeling in my belly. Not to mention the sore puncture areas from my injections.

When i went to accupuncture, all in a frenzy and stressed, the puncturer put 3 needles into me and that made all the difference. When i left, i was zenned out and calm. It was wonderful! 15 minutes back and i was again a bundle of nerves and just ready to scream so up i went for a haircut and a bit of me time... disaster! i don't know what it is about them, but every time i go to Toni and Guy, i end up angry and pissed off.

We went to dinner, G and I and it was nice, but not for the price we paid... just a funny day all around.

My friend T called and it's her little girl's bday soon. She's 4 years old soon! I needed to help do her party invitatsions. 4 years ago was when this all started. That's when the darned clock started saying tick tock and why we started down this road.

So another blood test and u/sound tomorrow. Gee, i hope those bloody follicles are huge!

Beautiful things

Last night, G went up the street to get some sour cream for our strog and came back with a Flake Noir and red roses. I guess it's the beautiful things in life that keep us going. He almost never gets me flowers, and hardly ever chocolate, but he must have known i had a crap day and wanted to cheer me up. Even got the sour cream as well. Then he helped me with dinner and cleaned up after (without leaving something behind).

He's been to all of my ultrasounds and has sat in the lobby for my blood tests. The injections haven't hurt very much at all and he actually wakes up and listens to me at 7am on a weekend when i'm having a nervous breakdown, complete with hysterical crying and moaning about our childlessness.

For the record, i'm married to a wonderful, beautiful man and i'm very lucky.

U/s 2

So we've had another ultrasound and bt now. Doc D is happy at how I'm responding to the drugs so i've been on the same dose all along. 200 Puregon and 10 of Lucrin. All seems to be going fine but the days are going terribly slowly and i'm getting through them with an impending sense that something, anything MUST happen and soon! Feet tapping, drumming fingers.... tick tock, tick tock.... please, can't the time go any faster!

Left ovary's leading follicle is at 10
Right ovary's leading follicle is at 15
Endometrium lining is at 13

The next ultrasound and bt is on Thursday. But if follicles grow between 1 to 3mm a day, i might have 3 to 7 days of waiting. Very, very frustrating! G held me down tonight, in the midst of my crazy counting of dates on my calendar, showing him this timeframe and that and asking him what he thought. He held me down and said, "You can't control any of this, so stop worrying!" and i did for 2 seconds, then i thought i would try and figure out (on the calendar) when we would know if we're pregnant. He just sighed.

The good news is that i think we have more follicles this time around. Last time, i think we only had about 9-10 follicles total from which came 7 eggs. This time, there are about 8 on each side.

That's it from inpatient little me.

U/s 1

After a sleepless night of worrying about whether or not i will have any follicles and dreams of an eggless cycle, i got up early to go to our first ultrasound for this cycle. G came with me and it was very comforting.

Results:
Right ovary dominant follicle is 10mm
Left ovary dominant follicle is 8mm (or i might have got these confused)
Endometrium lining is 7mm

They didn't poke around long enough to see how many follicles there were but i think maybe 10. I think i was hoping for more because of the last cycle, we had 7 eggs and only 2 could be put back, and those 2 were dodgy as.

I've been feeling rather impatient and anxious with this cycle. I don't know why, i just want to get to the end and know how things will end up! And while i still feel optimistic, i just feel a bit worried all the time. I don't know about what. just generally worried. maybe it's the sense that things are going to change. and i just want to get there and start planning and getting on with things.

The clinic is moving in 2 weeks and i am stressing about my egg transfer being on that weekend. They nurse today said it wouldn't be but if the timeframes are the same as last cycle, it will be. They do have a plan B but still. G thinks i just like to worry.

So that's the update from me. Waiting for their call to let me know when the next BT and Ultrasound will be.

Secrets are tiring

I had a bunch of people over last night and decided it was just too hard keeping things a secret and i ended up doing a show and tell of my needles and drugs. They were horrified.

Fertile people have no idea about what goes on in an infertile's world. They are the lucky ones who think that getting pregnant is just a matter of having wild, glorious sex and suddenly, they are pregnant. They think that because, what the hell, that's what happened to them. It's just not fair.

I think that this cycle is a bit more traumatic for me, emotionally. i seem to be all over the place and just grumpy alot (so much for my positivity). The injections hurt more, the time between blood tests is taking longer. I asked G the other night if he could just inject me with all my doses of drugs now so maybe egg collection could be the next day. He laughed.

I did get some good news yesterday. My bloods came back and all looks on track. (Last time, my hormones weren't doing what they were supposed to so they had to double my drug dosage.) I guess this time, it's all looking normal. Yes, it is the little things.

Anyways, i ended up telling the in laws too. I mean, i couldn't just put a bright orange cooler bag in their fridge without them noticing. But like i said, secrets are tiring and i'm sick of keeping them.