Feeling good

I'm feeling good at the moment. Really good. Happy, calm, sane. Sure, a couple hours ago, i was pissy. With life, with love, with work, with everything. Just pissy.

But right now, this very moment, i'm feeling good. Maybe it's because i have just been looking at my sister in law's wedding invitations and thinking of these two young lovers, ready to start their lives together, everything in front of them. Or maybe i just ate a huge slice of teacake and i'm high on the sugar rush. Whatever it is, i'll take it.

Last night was the first night i slept well. Slept all the way through. The previous nights i had been up at 3am to use the bathroom and just not able to get back to sleep. Last night, i made a conscious effort to stay up as late as possible and i slept all the way through. Woke up feeling great.

One more day til the end of the week, then we're heading down to Canberra on Saturday, back on Sunday and then bt on Monday. Been cramping, feeling premenstrual, acting like i 'm probably not pregnant, and for some reason, that's easier to take than waiting and hoping and wondering.

Normal... not.

The obsessing is over. I had been reading my TCM book and following the instructions for all these things that could help me get pregnant. This included eating no dairy, no wheat, only warm foods. That book was also responsible for my fascination with pineapple.

Well, stuff it! Nothing's going to help. I feel like i'm just waiting for my period to begin and then i can start looking forward to Christmas without this THING hanging over my head.

I am grumpy... so very grumpy... like a mammoth case of PMS. So i've been stuffing my face with pasta, liberal lashings of butter and milk, drinking cold water, putting sugar in my tea. I've decided that nothing... really.. nothing is going to help. Forget the abstinence thing too!

I just don't understand it! i just can't believe anymore that this might work. That i have 5 days to go in the 2ww and i might just have good news. I am instead preparing myself for the aweful task of telling all the wonderful people in my life that it's another failure.

The only good thing is that i'm able to be normal (well, judge for yourself). To not think of it too much, to just get on with things and wait for the eventual spotting in my undies.

8 more days

I'm feeling decidedly "normal" and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Other than the stabbing pain that occurs ever so often on my lower left side and my not being able to get a good nights sleep, i'm feeling the same as i always feel before my period. (Now that i think of it, i've had that stabbing pain before my last 2 periods anyways.)

I'm not a naturally optimistic person, having written off this cycle at my first ultrasound, i suddenly found some positivity when they told us of our good blastocyst. In my excitement, i had told everyone and showed them pictures too! Now that we're into the waiting, i'm not so sure i should have done it because if it doesn't work, the disappointment will be worse for me and everyone who is hoping for the best for me.

Things i am doing to minimise the madness:
1. eating pineapple (it apparently helps with implantation)
2. staying relaxed (well trying to, but it's not that easy)
3. taking fish oil tablets (supposed to help somehow)
4. attempting optimism (and failing miserably)
5. taking a peek ever so often at our blastocyst (but now not convinced about the quality because it looks blurry)
6. trying to work to stay busy but not so much to be stressed
7. obsessing over my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and infertility book and pretending that something, anything will help

In other news, after all this, my accupunturist has decided to move away. Seriously, i had gotten a bit dependant on my weekly trips to his table. Sad, very sad.

Transfer

Can you believe it! We have 1 good blastocyst. It is unbelievable. I asked them if they were sure it was ours. One good, as G put it – "shining star" of a blastocyst. They said it looked exactly like what they want them to look like on day 5.

All our other ones have been slow and dodgy. I was expecting this batch to be slow and dodgy too. But one. At least one has become a "good" one... And it sits inside me now, hopefully will implant and become a baby.

Down here in Australia, there is no Thanksgiving, but hopefully this transfer will give us something to be thankful for. Our one Thanksgiving blastocyst.

There's still a long way to go and even if this doesn't work, at least i know that there is hope and we are capable of producing a good blastocyst.

3 days past collection

They missed one. I suppose they are tiny little things, so i can see how that could happen. Anyways, of the 10 eggs harvested, 10 were injected, 8 fertilised.

Now it's day 3 and 1 has petered out. 2 are dodgy and 5... 5! are good 7-8 cell ones (apparently 3 X 8 cells and 2 X 7 cells).

I'm pretty happy with that. Both previous times we only got 3 6-8 cell ones so now we have 2 more. But i am expecting to get there on thursday and be told that they are all slow and dodgy blastocysts.... sigh.

anyways, that's good news for now!

Post collectiion

Egg collection was horrible. Either there weren't enough drugs or everything just caught up on me because i started to cry at the start of the procedure and didn't stop until it was done. What an emotional wreck! I've never done that before. Both of my past procedures were fine. But this time, i don't know what happened.

Poor Doc D with the big long needle inside me while i was shaking and crying the whole time. I have no idea how she still managed to get all the eggs out. Everyone was really nice to me but i felt pretty embarrased.

The good news is that there were 10 eggs. 10! that is more than ever. 5 from the left and 5 from the right. All were injected with G's boys and 7 have fertilised. Which, in the IVF world, i think is a pretty good result.

The problem, though, is that it has opened up a little glimmer of hope for me. I'm feeling like this can happen... even if it's eventually, and after more cycles. And a week ago, i was ready to give up and never try again. The problem is that, i could continue to try and fail and this could go on forever.

There are women out there who are veterans of this. 20 cycles, more... then success! so when does someone decide enough is enough? I don't know if i could handle the emotional ups and downs of this 17 more times... but i'm sure that the women who do, and succeed in the end say that it's worth it.

Fingers crossed that those 7 little blobs are dividing and growing!

Collection tomorrow

It's been scheduled for 8am tomorrow and usually collection is pretty easy. You go in, get some drugs, they do their thing, you rest a bit (G goes off to do his part), then you come home and rest for the rest of the day.

I wonder how many eggs we'll have. I'm hoping for at least 2, but you never know with this sort of thing. I've given up on having any to freeze.

Today i'm feeling aggravated and just wanting to get it over with.

Trigger

Yay, trigger has been set for tonight with collection to be on Saturday. They just need to call me to tell me the details. I am so happy about this! It's almost over.

It might not seem much but i'm pretty happy cause i'm triggering 2 days sooner than i have in the past two cycles. Not sure if this is a good sign but i'm grasping at straws here, to find something, anything positive about what we're doing.

I do feel a bit better than i did yesterday. Maybe going to my yoga class helped calm my mind a bit. Maybe cause we're nearing the end, i'm a bit more upbeat.

I wouldn't say i'm optimistic about this cycle. That would be a bit of a stretch, but more content, i guess. Less angry, less frustrated. Just ready for it to be over.

Stay tuned.

U/s 4 – hoping for trigger

Had another u/sound today.

Endometrium = 13
LO leading follicle = 16
RO leading follicle = 20

I wonder if they'll decide to trigger me soon. Because the other two cycles, they triggered when the leading follicle got to 20. But all my other follicles are quite small so they might wait for them to catch up.

I'm ready for this to happen. I've given up hope (i know i'm terrible) and i just want to get this done with and focus on christmas holidays coming up. Then just get on with life, barren and useless in the procreation sense of things. I'm not sure how long i'll feel this way but i'm over it. I think i may have been too hasty starting this cycle so soon. I'm really very tired and just sick of this whole thing.

I was, however, surprised that one of my follicles even got to 20. I was expecting 18 or something smaller but they've grown 2mm each day which is quite an endeavour considering they're in my ovaries.

G's mum called me again last night. I think she's convinced herself that if i take herbs, i'll be successful because, for the second time, she was telling me about a tv program she saw where they had great success with herbal medicine. (That and i might have scared her a bit by admitting to her that i was over it and was going to give up) Being jaded as i am at the moment, i told her i had heard hundreds of stories like this already.

Nothing prepares you for the ups and downs of this journey. I suppose, for the sake of my mum and G's mum, i feel a little bit differently later on and try again but right now, i'm done. The end of this cycle (negative as it will be) is just an inconvenience that i have to get through so i can enjoy christmas.

U/s 3

Another early morning and a poke and a prod at the clinic. I felt a bit upset this morning.

Endometrium = 11
Right ovary leading follicle = 13
Left ovary leadin follicle = 16

And there are not many on each side. I'm really feeling negatively about this cycle. I feel like i've rushed into it too fast and it's just a big waste of money. It's like every cycle we do gets worse and worse and i'm tired, really tired of all of this.

U/s 2 – Feeling blue

i don't know what's happened to me, but i'm feeling really out of wack lately. Probably the drugs... I just feel so down. Not really depressed, but down.

Anyways, i've spent the day feeling totally crazy in my head and all over the place. I've been feeling slightly nauseous for the last few days (definately the drugs).

I did get off my ass and went to a yoga class last night which did me a world of good. But whatever good that did me is now gone and i'm just out of sorts.

Had another ultrasound today.

Endometrail lining = 11
Right ovary leading follicle = 10
Left ovary leading follicle = 11

Next one is on Monday. But we have to start the Orgalutran tomorrow morning to keep me from ovulating.

I decided to go back to accupuncture. If anything, maybe he'll be able to calm me down a little.

U/s 1 – Here we go again

Had our first ultrasound of this cycle

5 follices on the right and 4 on the left. Leading one is at 8mm.

What a bugger. I don't think that i'll ever have a non-collection cycle and it's frustrating me. Being "young" as Doc D says i am, i think i should have more eggs... but i don't.

I suppose the good news is that i misread their letter about their pricing structure and it turns out that we actually will be paying less. G said, "cool, let's do this 10 times!" I am not impressed. I'm actually quite ready to give up right now.

It used to take 15min to 1/2 hour to get through for a bt and u/sound, now it takes 45min to an hour. Great new offices, but i think they need more staff now.

Amendments are always possible...

We've made changes to our ultimatum. We're going to try again right away. And we'll also try working on the business a bit longer. Sigh... Happy about part one. but not too sure about part 2. I sometimes think that the business is keeping me from getting pregnant. Because i can't let go of work, of the responsibility. And it doesn't help they my effort is 80% of our income...

Any ways, went to the swanky new digs of the clinic and got my final bt of the cycle which was, of course, negative. Came home to a letter informing us of an over $1000 price increase of their services. Yikes! A sign to give up?

M came in (doesn't know what we've been doing) and annouced that after 6 IVF tries, one of his friends is preggas. A sign to keep going?

I guess i don't believe much in signs. I do trust that there is a God and he cares and things happen for a reason. I have to believe that or i'd go stark raving mad. But signs, they can be taken in so many ways and manipulated to suit. Though, i do wish there would be a lightning bolt that would tell me to just give up or keep going.

Got the ok to start another cycle right away which we will do. I don't think i thought it would take this many tries. Doc D is always saying that i'm "young" but that doesn't give me any comfort when i'm failing and there is no reason for it.

Singapore bound!

Well, my period is here. It's over. This morning, there was spotting which stopped so i thought maybe it was ok, but now, i think it's heavy enough and we're done with this cycle.

G's upset this time. I suppose he usually is upset but doesn't show it for my sake. This time, he sat outside with the saddest look on his face. I couldn't stand it!

I asked the doc if we can do another cycle right away and if the bt is good tomorrow, we can. And i really want to because the idea of not doing anything makes me so sad. But at the same time, we don't really have the money for it. And we should start making plans to move to Singapore (if we stick to our ultimatum)

I don't know what to do. Maybe it'll be clearer tomorrow.

Maybe it's a sign and we should just give up and go overseas, barren, childless... and start over.