U/s 4 – hoping for trigger

Had another u/sound today.

Endometrium = 13
LO leading follicle = 16
RO leading follicle = 20

I wonder if they'll decide to trigger me soon. Because the other two cycles, they triggered when the leading follicle got to 20. But all my other follicles are quite small so they might wait for them to catch up.

I'm ready for this to happen. I've given up hope (i know i'm terrible) and i just want to get this done with and focus on christmas holidays coming up. Then just get on with life, barren and useless in the procreation sense of things. I'm not sure how long i'll feel this way but i'm over it. I think i may have been too hasty starting this cycle so soon. I'm really very tired and just sick of this whole thing.

I was, however, surprised that one of my follicles even got to 20. I was expecting 18 or something smaller but they've grown 2mm each day which is quite an endeavour considering they're in my ovaries.

G's mum called me again last night. I think she's convinced herself that if i take herbs, i'll be successful because, for the second time, she was telling me about a tv program she saw where they had great success with herbal medicine. (That and i might have scared her a bit by admitting to her that i was over it and was going to give up) Being jaded as i am at the moment, i told her i had heard hundreds of stories like this already.

Nothing prepares you for the ups and downs of this journey. I suppose, for the sake of my mum and G's mum, i feel a little bit differently later on and try again but right now, i'm done. The end of this cycle (negative as it will be) is just an inconvenience that i have to get through so i can enjoy christmas.