5 weeks, 2 days

Since my last post, it has been absolutely the busiest i've been for 6 months. Great timing – Not! About Wednesday last week it exploded and we were flat out til today.

Even in my personal life, things have gotten crazy. Obviously happy about being pregnant. I still can't believe it at times. We've since gotten another bt and the levels were again "perfect". Bhcg was 1310. So hopefully it's going well. I just can't help worrying sometimes. But there isn't anything i can do now to make it better if anything went wrong later so i might as well be happy and optimistic and enjoy it. It's still there, though, just a bit of worry.

Then my psychotic cousin who i've been trying to push away for years now finally had enough (well it was her husband) and wrote a nasty email telling me i was rude, discourteous and had an lack of effort. I just wish they'd get the hint and leave me alone. They've been trying to control and manipulate me for years and i've been slowly trying to distance myself from them. And yet they continue to hound me.

We've got 2 weeks til we leave for Singapore (horay for christmas break!) and a bit of a holiday. I'm so exhausted and just want to rest for a bit.

Things i forgot to say

Levels yesterday was 331 which Doc D said were "perfect". Trust me, she is not one to embellish so it must be really good.

I'm going to do the early pregnancy monitoring thing, just to give me a bit of peace of mind. This means weekly blood tests and ultrasounds at 7, 9 and 11wks

Apparently, i have to also book my DELIVERY... it's getting all a bit too much, now.

Things that might have helped

It might have been:

• all that pinapple i ate
• all the fish oil i took
• all my accupuncture sessions
• all the folate i swallowed
• my living in denial
• the exercise i did weeks before
• the exercise i did not do during the cycle
• the two yoga classes i took before collection
• the sobbing in the collection room
• the one bright star of a blastocyst
• eating things for kidney yang deficiency
• using a hottie after transfer to warm my belly (but not too warm)
• soaking my feet in hot water in the evenings
• keeping as busy as possible
• all the drugs we took for 2 cycles back to back
• buying a steamer and eating steamed fish and veggies
• the metamucil to keep me unclogged
• acting "normal" and pretending like we weren't doing anything really
• drinking tea with sugar
• coffee with soy
• cutting out dairy
• not eating processed carbs or wheat

But most of all, maybe it was nothing i did at all.

Monday

Well, we had our bt on saturday and Doc D actually called me to say congratulations (i told her i thought docs only called with bad news - but she does the good news too). I couldn't believe it! I don't know what to do or say or feel. I think i'm still in a bit of shock. She said my pregnancy hormone was 119 which is great for 9dp5dt. They look for anything over 100 on 11dp5dt so our result was great. Also said i could get another bt on monday to see if it was going well which i said, yes, definately. I'm a bit paranoid.

We were in the car driving to Canberra at the time with 2 of G's siblings and one of their fiancees in the back seat so it wasn't like G and i could celebrate right away. G wasn't sure if he wanted to tell anyone yet. He didn't even want his parents to know! But in the end he fessed up to his mum. She was asking how our "star" was and i was giving him dirty looks so he told her. By the end of the w/end, his little sister knew as well (i told her) and i had to tell his mum to not get too excited because i didn't need the extra pressure. There are some advantages to keeping things a secret.

So still waiting for the results of today's bt, but everyone keeps telling me what a good result it is. I'm happy, relieved, excited, but i think at the same time, i keep remembering our 9wk miscarriage (which not many people know about so wouldn't understand why i'm so paranoid) and so i'm still a bit cautious about getting ahead of myself. The nurse today who took my blood was a bit puzzled as to why i was there, saying that my result on sat was really good.

I am happy but it will be nice to get the call to say things are going well.

In a bit of a twitter

I know i shouldn't have, and i haven't before until i was sure the cycle was over and just wanted to confirm it, but i took a home pregnancy test last night and it was very faintly positive.

What the heck! A few days of believing my period is on its way and wa-lah, a positive hpt. It seems that every time i've written something off, it happens for me. Maybe i should just do that all the time now. Be completely-negative-girl and then everything will be fine.

Anyways, it's still really early. and the lines were really faint (ok, so i did 3 different tests, all faintly positive). And i did email Doc D and fess up and asked if it could be the Pregnyl i was injecting and she said maybe but probably not. And thank goodness she had some mercy in her heart because she's allowed me to move my bt up til tomorrow.

So it's still a bit more waiting, but hey, it's better than having my period! And maybe our little Thanksgiving "star" blastocyst will come good. But that would be a positive thing to say and completely against what i should be saying, right?

Feeling good

I'm feeling good at the moment. Really good. Happy, calm, sane. Sure, a couple hours ago, i was pissy. With life, with love, with work, with everything. Just pissy.

But right now, this very moment, i'm feeling good. Maybe it's because i have just been looking at my sister in law's wedding invitations and thinking of these two young lovers, ready to start their lives together, everything in front of them. Or maybe i just ate a huge slice of teacake and i'm high on the sugar rush. Whatever it is, i'll take it.

Last night was the first night i slept well. Slept all the way through. The previous nights i had been up at 3am to use the bathroom and just not able to get back to sleep. Last night, i made a conscious effort to stay up as late as possible and i slept all the way through. Woke up feeling great.

One more day til the end of the week, then we're heading down to Canberra on Saturday, back on Sunday and then bt on Monday. Been cramping, feeling premenstrual, acting like i 'm probably not pregnant, and for some reason, that's easier to take than waiting and hoping and wondering.

Normal... not.

The obsessing is over. I had been reading my TCM book and following the instructions for all these things that could help me get pregnant. This included eating no dairy, no wheat, only warm foods. That book was also responsible for my fascination with pineapple.

Well, stuff it! Nothing's going to help. I feel like i'm just waiting for my period to begin and then i can start looking forward to Christmas without this THING hanging over my head.

I am grumpy... so very grumpy... like a mammoth case of PMS. So i've been stuffing my face with pasta, liberal lashings of butter and milk, drinking cold water, putting sugar in my tea. I've decided that nothing... really.. nothing is going to help. Forget the abstinence thing too!

I just don't understand it! i just can't believe anymore that this might work. That i have 5 days to go in the 2ww and i might just have good news. I am instead preparing myself for the aweful task of telling all the wonderful people in my life that it's another failure.

The only good thing is that i'm able to be normal (well, judge for yourself). To not think of it too much, to just get on with things and wait for the eventual spotting in my undies.

8 more days

I'm feeling decidedly "normal" and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Other than the stabbing pain that occurs ever so often on my lower left side and my not being able to get a good nights sleep, i'm feeling the same as i always feel before my period. (Now that i think of it, i've had that stabbing pain before my last 2 periods anyways.)

I'm not a naturally optimistic person, having written off this cycle at my first ultrasound, i suddenly found some positivity when they told us of our good blastocyst. In my excitement, i had told everyone and showed them pictures too! Now that we're into the waiting, i'm not so sure i should have done it because if it doesn't work, the disappointment will be worse for me and everyone who is hoping for the best for me.

Things i am doing to minimise the madness:
1. eating pineapple (it apparently helps with implantation)
2. staying relaxed (well trying to, but it's not that easy)
3. taking fish oil tablets (supposed to help somehow)
4. attempting optimism (and failing miserably)
5. taking a peek ever so often at our blastocyst (but now not convinced about the quality because it looks blurry)
6. trying to work to stay busy but not so much to be stressed
7. obsessing over my Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and infertility book and pretending that something, anything will help

In other news, after all this, my accupunturist has decided to move away. Seriously, i had gotten a bit dependant on my weekly trips to his table. Sad, very sad.

Transfer

Can you believe it! We have 1 good blastocyst. It is unbelievable. I asked them if they were sure it was ours. One good, as G put it – "shining star" of a blastocyst. They said it looked exactly like what they want them to look like on day 5.

All our other ones have been slow and dodgy. I was expecting this batch to be slow and dodgy too. But one. At least one has become a "good" one... And it sits inside me now, hopefully will implant and become a baby.

Down here in Australia, there is no Thanksgiving, but hopefully this transfer will give us something to be thankful for. Our one Thanksgiving blastocyst.

There's still a long way to go and even if this doesn't work, at least i know that there is hope and we are capable of producing a good blastocyst.

3 days past collection

They missed one. I suppose they are tiny little things, so i can see how that could happen. Anyways, of the 10 eggs harvested, 10 were injected, 8 fertilised.

Now it's day 3 and 1 has petered out. 2 are dodgy and 5... 5! are good 7-8 cell ones (apparently 3 X 8 cells and 2 X 7 cells).

I'm pretty happy with that. Both previous times we only got 3 6-8 cell ones so now we have 2 more. But i am expecting to get there on thursday and be told that they are all slow and dodgy blastocysts.... sigh.

anyways, that's good news for now!

Post collectiion

Egg collection was horrible. Either there weren't enough drugs or everything just caught up on me because i started to cry at the start of the procedure and didn't stop until it was done. What an emotional wreck! I've never done that before. Both of my past procedures were fine. But this time, i don't know what happened.

Poor Doc D with the big long needle inside me while i was shaking and crying the whole time. I have no idea how she still managed to get all the eggs out. Everyone was really nice to me but i felt pretty embarrased.

The good news is that there were 10 eggs. 10! that is more than ever. 5 from the left and 5 from the right. All were injected with G's boys and 7 have fertilised. Which, in the IVF world, i think is a pretty good result.

The problem, though, is that it has opened up a little glimmer of hope for me. I'm feeling like this can happen... even if it's eventually, and after more cycles. And a week ago, i was ready to give up and never try again. The problem is that, i could continue to try and fail and this could go on forever.

There are women out there who are veterans of this. 20 cycles, more... then success! so when does someone decide enough is enough? I don't know if i could handle the emotional ups and downs of this 17 more times... but i'm sure that the women who do, and succeed in the end say that it's worth it.

Fingers crossed that those 7 little blobs are dividing and growing!

Collection tomorrow

It's been scheduled for 8am tomorrow and usually collection is pretty easy. You go in, get some drugs, they do their thing, you rest a bit (G goes off to do his part), then you come home and rest for the rest of the day.

I wonder how many eggs we'll have. I'm hoping for at least 2, but you never know with this sort of thing. I've given up on having any to freeze.

Today i'm feeling aggravated and just wanting to get it over with.

Trigger

Yay, trigger has been set for tonight with collection to be on Saturday. They just need to call me to tell me the details. I am so happy about this! It's almost over.

It might not seem much but i'm pretty happy cause i'm triggering 2 days sooner than i have in the past two cycles. Not sure if this is a good sign but i'm grasping at straws here, to find something, anything positive about what we're doing.

I do feel a bit better than i did yesterday. Maybe going to my yoga class helped calm my mind a bit. Maybe cause we're nearing the end, i'm a bit more upbeat.

I wouldn't say i'm optimistic about this cycle. That would be a bit of a stretch, but more content, i guess. Less angry, less frustrated. Just ready for it to be over.

Stay tuned.

U/s 4 – hoping for trigger

Had another u/sound today.

Endometrium = 13
LO leading follicle = 16
RO leading follicle = 20

I wonder if they'll decide to trigger me soon. Because the other two cycles, they triggered when the leading follicle got to 20. But all my other follicles are quite small so they might wait for them to catch up.

I'm ready for this to happen. I've given up hope (i know i'm terrible) and i just want to get this done with and focus on christmas holidays coming up. Then just get on with life, barren and useless in the procreation sense of things. I'm not sure how long i'll feel this way but i'm over it. I think i may have been too hasty starting this cycle so soon. I'm really very tired and just sick of this whole thing.

I was, however, surprised that one of my follicles even got to 20. I was expecting 18 or something smaller but they've grown 2mm each day which is quite an endeavour considering they're in my ovaries.

G's mum called me again last night. I think she's convinced herself that if i take herbs, i'll be successful because, for the second time, she was telling me about a tv program she saw where they had great success with herbal medicine. (That and i might have scared her a bit by admitting to her that i was over it and was going to give up) Being jaded as i am at the moment, i told her i had heard hundreds of stories like this already.

Nothing prepares you for the ups and downs of this journey. I suppose, for the sake of my mum and G's mum, i feel a little bit differently later on and try again but right now, i'm done. The end of this cycle (negative as it will be) is just an inconvenience that i have to get through so i can enjoy christmas.

U/s 3

Another early morning and a poke and a prod at the clinic. I felt a bit upset this morning.

Endometrium = 11
Right ovary leading follicle = 13
Left ovary leadin follicle = 16

And there are not many on each side. I'm really feeling negatively about this cycle. I feel like i've rushed into it too fast and it's just a big waste of money. It's like every cycle we do gets worse and worse and i'm tired, really tired of all of this.

U/s 2 – Feeling blue

i don't know what's happened to me, but i'm feeling really out of wack lately. Probably the drugs... I just feel so down. Not really depressed, but down.

Anyways, i've spent the day feeling totally crazy in my head and all over the place. I've been feeling slightly nauseous for the last few days (definately the drugs).

I did get off my ass and went to a yoga class last night which did me a world of good. But whatever good that did me is now gone and i'm just out of sorts.

Had another ultrasound today.

Endometrail lining = 11
Right ovary leading follicle = 10
Left ovary leading follicle = 11

Next one is on Monday. But we have to start the Orgalutran tomorrow morning to keep me from ovulating.

I decided to go back to accupuncture. If anything, maybe he'll be able to calm me down a little.

U/s 1 – Here we go again

Had our first ultrasound of this cycle

5 follices on the right and 4 on the left. Leading one is at 8mm.

What a bugger. I don't think that i'll ever have a non-collection cycle and it's frustrating me. Being "young" as Doc D says i am, i think i should have more eggs... but i don't.

I suppose the good news is that i misread their letter about their pricing structure and it turns out that we actually will be paying less. G said, "cool, let's do this 10 times!" I am not impressed. I'm actually quite ready to give up right now.

It used to take 15min to 1/2 hour to get through for a bt and u/sound, now it takes 45min to an hour. Great new offices, but i think they need more staff now.

Amendments are always possible...

We've made changes to our ultimatum. We're going to try again right away. And we'll also try working on the business a bit longer. Sigh... Happy about part one. but not too sure about part 2. I sometimes think that the business is keeping me from getting pregnant. Because i can't let go of work, of the responsibility. And it doesn't help they my effort is 80% of our income...

Any ways, went to the swanky new digs of the clinic and got my final bt of the cycle which was, of course, negative. Came home to a letter informing us of an over $1000 price increase of their services. Yikes! A sign to give up?

M came in (doesn't know what we've been doing) and annouced that after 6 IVF tries, one of his friends is preggas. A sign to keep going?

I guess i don't believe much in signs. I do trust that there is a God and he cares and things happen for a reason. I have to believe that or i'd go stark raving mad. But signs, they can be taken in so many ways and manipulated to suit. Though, i do wish there would be a lightning bolt that would tell me to just give up or keep going.

Got the ok to start another cycle right away which we will do. I don't think i thought it would take this many tries. Doc D is always saying that i'm "young" but that doesn't give me any comfort when i'm failing and there is no reason for it.

Singapore bound!

Well, my period is here. It's over. This morning, there was spotting which stopped so i thought maybe it was ok, but now, i think it's heavy enough and we're done with this cycle.

G's upset this time. I suppose he usually is upset but doesn't show it for my sake. This time, he sat outside with the saddest look on his face. I couldn't stand it!

I asked the doc if we can do another cycle right away and if the bt is good tomorrow, we can. And i really want to because the idea of not doing anything makes me so sad. But at the same time, we don't really have the money for it. And we should start making plans to move to Singapore (if we stick to our ultimatum)

I don't know what to do. Maybe it'll be clearer tomorrow.

Maybe it's a sign and we should just give up and go overseas, barren, childless... and start over.

Monday

On Sunday morning, after me having a cry over our lack of anything settled in our lives, G came back with the following:

1. If this works, we stick it out here in Sydney and the business so that we can both have time to spend with junior.

2. If it doesn't work, we close shop, pack our bags, get jobs in and move to Singapore (and forget the procreation thing for a couple of years).

That sounded good to me and those are now the stakes. Not that we're trying to put any more pressure on me. Both options could be good. And more, importantly, we will be working towards a definate goal.

When you're waiting to have kids, you end up waiting on a whole bunch of other things too. Every question about our lives has been answered with... "let's wait til your pregnant to make that decision". And it is just so frustrating because, getting pregnant doesn't seem to be our choice. So we've been waiting. and waiting. And nothing seems to be happening.

So after these 4 days are gone, we should be know what direction our lives are going in.

End of week

One more hour til it's five o'clock and the weekend begins. This week has been torturous and i bet next week will be more so.

Things i have eaten today:
Bowl of oatmeal
2 hardboiled eggs
Greasy cheeseburger
2 Lemon cream bikkies
Handful of pepitas
1 string of licorice (before i found out i shouldn't be eating that)
2 cups of tea (one with globs of sweetened condensed milk)
Stick of string cheese
Ferrero rocher

I realise my accupuncturist would be fairly disappointed that i have not taken better care of my diet (especially the burger). I guess it's not so bad. But like i said, i just keep nervously nibbling and wanting to eat something. Now i am just dying for thai tonight... or indian which again probably isn't the best thing for me, and i did have a huge plate of greasy fried noodles last night.

We have a full fridge of really good (or previously good) produce that i just can't be bothered to cook. We've eaten out every single night this week (except for monday) but i really seriously don't have the mental or physical stamina to stand by a hot stove and cook things at the end of the day.

Last night, while at the shops, G and i debated buying some early pregnancy tests to have on hand. We opted not to because the temptation would be too great and the chances of a false positive or negative are quite high.

I keep having pains down around my groin and i can't remember if it's like that when i'm getting my period.

How will i ever make it til next thursday?

4dpt

It's now day 4 of the wait with a week more to go. I've been trying to stay busy and not think about it. Not hope about it. Not give up hope on it. Most of all, just get through the time as quickly as possible but everytime i look up at the clock it is only 5 minutes after the last time i looked at the clock!

I've started watching out for symptoms... Am i feeling nauseous or am i just hungry. Is that spotting or just nothing.

I've tried to stop Googling everything from "slow blastocyst" to "ivf rates" to "provera" (which Doc D said we'd use next time). I need to stay off the internet. But in the absence of things to do, what else can i do?

I've also started nervously nibbling on things all day. i can't stop. i'll have gained kilos by the end of this! not good! not good at all!

G, who started this week with so much promise, making me lunch, cleaning things up before i could worry about it, has slacked off big time and it's back to me making the meals, cleaning, picking things up. He's still good but nowhere near the intensity as Sunday and Monday. Sigh...

I would like to spend the day in bed watching television because at least then i'm entertained and "busy" and not thinking about it.

2dpt

It's day 2 of the 11 day wait. (I hope they don't think that i haven't noticed that they have added a day to the wait.) Usually it's 10 days. Had my last injection of Pregnyl last night and did it hurt! I suppose i'm a bit more sensative lately, but it really killed.

I find the medical thing so confusing. A week ago, Doc D said we might try Heparin from day 5 because sometimes that helps maintain the pregnancy but they don't know why. Then when i asked again on transfer day, she said i could if i wanted but it probably won't do anything. What does that mean?

Today is a slow day at work. I know i'm the boss, but i do feel guilty when i have my staff doing all the work and i'm bludging, but you know what, that's what i pay them to do. I mean, i don't usually get paid to be here anyways so what the hell, they should do all the work and i should sit on my unofficially "pregnant" ass and let them.

Transfer

We had our egg transfer yesterday at 10am. Again, those freakin blastocysts were taking their time developing. I said... "maybe we just have slow embryos" and Doc D said, "Maybe... Probably takes after the dad." I was on the floor laughing! Sometimes i love this Doc D. She is so fabulous and i don't know if she's just joking or if she can sense what i'm feeling about how G is.

After our first meeting with her, she wrote a letter to my OB saying that i was keen to move forward but G was "less though". Those were her words. G, obviously wasn't impressed and totally denied feeling "less though". He is just as unimpressed about the "takes after the dad" comment. I think she was trying to make me feel like it wasn't totally on me, them being so dodgy.

They put two back into me again and i spent the rest on the day being waited on hand and foot. Slow or not, G is a such a sweetheart and really trying hard to keep me from being stressed.

Doc D said they were developing more slowly that she would have liked but couldn't tell us if it was as bad as last time. The embryologist, however, said they were ok and starting to compact and come good. So who the hell knows what to think! We're stuck, for the next 10 days, in will it or won't it stick land. and it blows!

Poor G is doing well today, knowing that i'm a hormonal and a waiting wreck, he's agreed with me on everything, even if i am a bit pissy and very close to tears alot, he's supported me and been really nice. I love him so much.

3dpc

We have two 8 cell embryos and one 7 cell embryo. The fourth one is going along slowly but overall they were pretty happy that we had 3 that were progressing fairly well... and i am relieved.

I guess that by Sunday, they could arrest or stop growing, but right now, this very moment, i'm so thankful that we have two at 8 cells. Maybe Doc D is right and it only takes one. I guess she's seen alot more than i have.

It's amazing to me that with all that science can do, it still can't predict what will happen after the eggs have been collected and the sperm injected. Absolutely crappy embryos become babies and completely perfect blastocysts don't implant.

I have to believe in a higher power that knows when and where is the right time for the right couple or person. Because science, with all its wonders and amazing possibilities still is guessing once the embryos hit the petri dish.

Oh the drugs

The only good thing about egg collection is the drugs. In the midst of the procedure, Doc D asked if i wanted more and i said definately. The rest was lovely... To get that vein, however, she stuck the needle in and kept shoving it up and down to finally get the vein. Didn't hurt too bad though, and again, once the drugs hit, i didn't really care.

To explain what happens at an egg collection, you basically walk into the room, sit down, they put the sedative into your hand, then you get comfy, legs on stirrups, they swab the inside of your uterus with a local anesthetic then they stick a big long needle (and a ultrasound) up and poke through your uterus to get to your ovaries where they then suck out all the follicles and hopefully many, many eggs.

Unfortunately for us, there weren't many. After the first vial of fluid was clear (no eggs!) i started to stress. We had made a bet. G said 11 and i said 1. Doc D said she hoped for something in between. Somewhere between me saying how much i loved the drugs and telling G "bugger" at the end of the procedure, we were told there were 4 eggs. I almost burst into tears.

4 precious round things with the fuzzy edge outside the hard edge and my genetic material inside. Through my blurry vision, i stared at them, saying "they don't look too good". I thought i had seen pics on the web of good eggs and these didn't look like them. But it must have been the drugs because i think the scientist walked over to the screen and pointed out the parts of the egg and tried to assure me that these were fine and mature.

Doc D said "to be honest, you have more eggs than i thought you would". Comforting thought – not! I mean, how many did she think i would have! After them telling me all through the cycle that things were going well... She also said "it only takes one".

Before the procedure, she had called it the cycle from hell... again, i had thought it was all going so well because they were telling me that!

The scientist came in to tell us that there were actually 5 eggs but one wasn't such a good one but they would try to fertilise it anyways.

G got the thumbs up for his contribution and we headed home. When the drugs wore off, i was sore. I ached for the rest of the day, hiding in my bedroom, watching TV or napping. I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, sillyness replaced with worry because i honestly thought that the eggs wouldn't fertilise and we would have nothing.

They called this morning to say that all 4 good eggs had fertilised and that transfer will most probably be on Sunday.

So now i feel empty, bored, with nothing else to be done but hope that my oocytes and G's swimmers, now combined will become nice, healthy blastocysts for transfer. Back at psychotically looking at my calendar, i've figured out that i'll know on the 1st or 2nd of November.

If only the next 2 weeks could be lived in that hazy, happy drug induced euphoria where nothing hurts, everyone is funny and even the bad things in life aren't so bad!

C2: Collection day

People who don't have to go through IVF have no idea about it nor do they want to. Those lucky buggers! But you would think that close friends would at least try and take an interest.

My friends have called egg collection "that egg thing", "egg exportation", "egg hunt" and one person actually thought we were going to a farm to collect hen eggs.

I couldn't sleep last night worrying about the end of this cycle and what it might mean. Stressing that there will be nobody to look after my business, therefore we'd have no income and end up living in a box on the street. I suppose that is a bit overly dramatic, but i think about these things.

To pass the time til 12.15, i'll be accompanying my friend T to her doctors appointment. She just found out the sex of her child and i'm so excited for her. I think if this cycle fails, i wouldn't be in any state to go with her but at the moment, i'm fine.

My accupuncturist says i look calm and ready. More so than last year when i first went to see him. He gave me some accupressure points to press to help relax me, told me to breath deeply and wished me luck. So committed is he to my situation that he won't be seeing me on egg transfer day (as it's on a Sunday).

I wish i felt calm and ready. Ready for the two weeks of standing just on the edge of a cliff but not able to look over it to see if there's a bridge or just a vast area of darkness.

Egg collection

Yay, egg collection has been scheduled for tomorrow at 12.15pm. Thank goodness! I've had my last injections for this cycle and triggered last night a bit after midnight. So there's nothing to today but stay busy and positive and hope for the best.

U/s 3 – 17 years

Yesterday was the day that me and G started dating. 17 years ago, can you believe it! Where did the time go? It's just gone so terribly fast. What's not going fast is the growth of my follicles. Had another u/sound and bt yesterday.

Right leading follicle is 18mm
Left leading follice is 15mm
Endometrium is 13mm

I was hoping that they would be around the 20mm mark so they could harvest them this weekend and we could get on with things. Instead, i've got awefully enormous and sore breasts and a perpetual bloated feeling in my belly. Not to mention the sore puncture areas from my injections.

When i went to accupuncture, all in a frenzy and stressed, the puncturer put 3 needles into me and that made all the difference. When i left, i was zenned out and calm. It was wonderful! 15 minutes back and i was again a bundle of nerves and just ready to scream so up i went for a haircut and a bit of me time... disaster! i don't know what it is about them, but every time i go to Toni and Guy, i end up angry and pissed off.

We went to dinner, G and I and it was nice, but not for the price we paid... just a funny day all around.

My friend T called and it's her little girl's bday soon. She's 4 years old soon! I needed to help do her party invitatsions. 4 years ago was when this all started. That's when the darned clock started saying tick tock and why we started down this road.

So another blood test and u/sound tomorrow. Gee, i hope those bloody follicles are huge!

Beautiful things

Last night, G went up the street to get some sour cream for our strog and came back with a Flake Noir and red roses. I guess it's the beautiful things in life that keep us going. He almost never gets me flowers, and hardly ever chocolate, but he must have known i had a crap day and wanted to cheer me up. Even got the sour cream as well. Then he helped me with dinner and cleaned up after (without leaving something behind).

He's been to all of my ultrasounds and has sat in the lobby for my blood tests. The injections haven't hurt very much at all and he actually wakes up and listens to me at 7am on a weekend when i'm having a nervous breakdown, complete with hysterical crying and moaning about our childlessness.

For the record, i'm married to a wonderful, beautiful man and i'm very lucky.

U/s 2

So we've had another ultrasound and bt now. Doc D is happy at how I'm responding to the drugs so i've been on the same dose all along. 200 Puregon and 10 of Lucrin. All seems to be going fine but the days are going terribly slowly and i'm getting through them with an impending sense that something, anything MUST happen and soon! Feet tapping, drumming fingers.... tick tock, tick tock.... please, can't the time go any faster!

Left ovary's leading follicle is at 10
Right ovary's leading follicle is at 15
Endometrium lining is at 13

The next ultrasound and bt is on Thursday. But if follicles grow between 1 to 3mm a day, i might have 3 to 7 days of waiting. Very, very frustrating! G held me down tonight, in the midst of my crazy counting of dates on my calendar, showing him this timeframe and that and asking him what he thought. He held me down and said, "You can't control any of this, so stop worrying!" and i did for 2 seconds, then i thought i would try and figure out (on the calendar) when we would know if we're pregnant. He just sighed.

The good news is that i think we have more follicles this time around. Last time, i think we only had about 9-10 follicles total from which came 7 eggs. This time, there are about 8 on each side.

That's it from inpatient little me.

U/s 1

After a sleepless night of worrying about whether or not i will have any follicles and dreams of an eggless cycle, i got up early to go to our first ultrasound for this cycle. G came with me and it was very comforting.

Results:
Right ovary dominant follicle is 10mm
Left ovary dominant follicle is 8mm (or i might have got these confused)
Endometrium lining is 7mm

They didn't poke around long enough to see how many follicles there were but i think maybe 10. I think i was hoping for more because of the last cycle, we had 7 eggs and only 2 could be put back, and those 2 were dodgy as.

I've been feeling rather impatient and anxious with this cycle. I don't know why, i just want to get to the end and know how things will end up! And while i still feel optimistic, i just feel a bit worried all the time. I don't know about what. just generally worried. maybe it's the sense that things are going to change. and i just want to get there and start planning and getting on with things.

The clinic is moving in 2 weeks and i am stressing about my egg transfer being on that weekend. They nurse today said it wouldn't be but if the timeframes are the same as last cycle, it will be. They do have a plan B but still. G thinks i just like to worry.

So that's the update from me. Waiting for their call to let me know when the next BT and Ultrasound will be.

Secrets are tiring

I had a bunch of people over last night and decided it was just too hard keeping things a secret and i ended up doing a show and tell of my needles and drugs. They were horrified.

Fertile people have no idea about what goes on in an infertile's world. They are the lucky ones who think that getting pregnant is just a matter of having wild, glorious sex and suddenly, they are pregnant. They think that because, what the hell, that's what happened to them. It's just not fair.

I think that this cycle is a bit more traumatic for me, emotionally. i seem to be all over the place and just grumpy alot (so much for my positivity). The injections hurt more, the time between blood tests is taking longer. I asked G the other night if he could just inject me with all my doses of drugs now so maybe egg collection could be the next day. He laughed.

I did get some good news yesterday. My bloods came back and all looks on track. (Last time, my hormones weren't doing what they were supposed to so they had to double my drug dosage.) I guess this time, it's all looking normal. Yes, it is the little things.

Anyways, i ended up telling the in laws too. I mean, i couldn't just put a bright orange cooler bag in their fridge without them noticing. But like i said, secrets are tiring and i'm sick of keeping them.

Finally, it's here

My period has started and is of mammoth proportions. My belly aches and now i just wish it would end! it would be nice to spend the day curled up in a ball in bed. We were given the ok today to start our Puregon injections along with Lucrin. Next bt is on Monday.

It's a long weekend and i am very happy about that. We're heading off to Canberra tomorrow to see the in laws. I still haven't decided whether or not to tell them about this cycle. We did last time and it was ok, until the end where i think they were utterly devastated about the lack of grandchildren and started to give us advice on how to make it happen. weird... very weird.

And now my mum in law calls me up when she sees shows on TV about how to get pregnant and going to see natural therapists or chinese herbalists and tells me i should go. I don't know if i have the heart to tell her that it is probably her son's lack of properly propelling sperm that's the problem. I mean, i think i mentioned it but to them he's like this beautiful, perfect god child who can do no wrong and would never have deficient genetic material.

Well all i can say is that we tried for 2 years before getting HIM tested and after seeing his results, our doc said, "enough's enough, go do ivf". AND we have to shell out additional $$$ so that we can do ICSI (where they insert the poor buggers into the egg). But the good news is that he has some and Doc D said it isn't so bad that our children would be sterile. Phew!

But that being said, i do agree with the inlaws that i have married the most beautiful, wondeful man who injects me with as little pain as possible, has only ever given me one bruise on my belly, never complains when i snap at him in a hormonal rage, supports me when i have stress attacks and loves me for all my weirdnesses.

Belly bruising

I've got my first belly bruise from an injection. It's a bit of a surprise, really, because, all through the first cycle and til now, i have never bruised. I thought that my man G was very clever because i know that some women bruise alot.

I think it's cause i took it standing up. Usually i lie down and act all pathetic, wait for the jab (which usually doesn't hurt) and beg for a kiss after. This time, we were in a rush so i just stood. I didn't even notice the bruise until i went to my accupunturist and he asked me if that was from the needles.

another blood test tomorrow. no sign of my period.

Various things

I just spent a lovely sunday.

My friend, T for my 32nd Bday took me to the Aveda Spa for a caribean body wrap and massage.

Then i went to my friend, the lovely J's place and spent the afternoon lolling about on her sofa and chatting. I've only just told her about us doing IVF and they are thinking of starting to try (naturally) at the end of this month so she asked if it was ok and i said, of course. I mean, i'm not God and i can't say when anyone can and will have offspring, obviously because i haven't and seem to be having a wee bit of trouble myself.

I don't know why with some people i have a reaction between anger and hate when i find out their "happy news"... I think to myself, THAT IS NOT FAIR!!! and for goodness sakes, just don't tell me and for the love of god, stop procreating!

But with J and T, i'm just really happy for them and want to be able to enjoy the experience with them. (Yes, i do have my days with T, when i shut the door behind her and burst into tears and cry and rave and wonder why it can't happen to me!)

I find myself alternating between happy optimism about this next cycle and sad expectation of failure. I mean, it's only my second go, and the first time, i got pregnant from dodgy blastocysts and the doctor says it's good indicator of future success.

J said an interesting thing today. She said that, perhaps the more we know, the more facts, procedures, strategies we try, the more difficult it is. Maybe she's right. Though, she hasn't gone through the motions, hasn't been smacked in the face with infertility yet (and probably never will).

It would be nice to be naive again.

Yippee! it's a go

We've been given the go ahead to start Lucrin injections. My period never came and they said i can now just do the Lucrin then go in for another bt next thursday.

Is it a bit psychotic to be so excited about poking needles in myself?

Beating heart

I went to my friends 15 week ultrasound today and actually saw a beating heart on the monitor. It was wonderful. I thought to myself. Now that's what it's supposed to look like.

If it had been anyone else, i don't think i would have been able to deal with seeing that monitor and the little tiny being who is so tiny but yet so perfect sitting there inside my friends body. But i love T and am so happy for her so i was there to support her because her partner was away.

Though, it is hard. I look at her and wish i could to have a baby, to see that flutter of the heart on the ultrasound monitor, to hear the doctor tell me that everything looks great and there's a 1 in 16 million chance that anything will go wrong.

So i still wait. i just wish i knew what was going on.

30th bday

On my 30th bday i was pregnant, glowing, nauseous and all the lovely things that come along with it. We were on holidays and it was lovely.

A few weeks later we had our first ultrasound and when they called a doctor in, i knew it wasn't good news. There was no heartbeat. Devastation hit.

I sometimes think it took me a whole year to feel myself again. The bitter, angry, crazy person that was me for most of my 30th year was sad, hopeless, hurt.

I know it was early on (9wks) but it changed me. Each year, on my birthday, i remember what i was on my 30th and wonder if i will ever have a birthday without thinking about the 1 and a half year old i would have now. What would my life be like now if everything went well.

Only a handful of people know about that first one and in hindsight, i think the secret of it all makes it harder for me who naturaly yabbers on about everything and anything, having to stop myself when this subject comes up. I think people thought my first failed IVF cycle would crush me, but it didn't. Next to my first miscarriage, it was a walk in the park. It still hurt but not that horrible, don't know if i can pull myself out of it - pain that lasted for almost that whole year before it went away and was replaced by numbness, wondering and waiting.

Stupid periods

Well, i just got a call from the clinic and according to the blood test, my period is just about to start and it's too late to start the lucrin in order to start the cycle today. (It could also mean that i haven't ovulated yet. Typical. Who the hell really knows! If i don't get my period before next thursday, i have to go repeat the bt again. geeze.)

So in the meantime, i have to wait for my freakin period (which is, in all honestly, as illusive as the woodpecker is to the cayote). Then I go on the pill, then start the Lucrin, have another freakin period and then start the FSH.

I'm a self-confessed non-patient person so this to me is a bit annoying. My stupid body and it's stupid cycles! If i do get my period early, i will be very, very surprised.

But on the bright side (as my Pollyanna husband is always looking on), i have more time to loose some weight, get fitter and begin to relax. I am, however, the anti-pollyanna and i just want to get started and be doing something.

First BT

So i've had my first bt this morning to see if i've ovulated and if i can start the Lucrin injections. I guess this isn't the start of the cycle but i feel like i'm doing something now. Don't get me wrong. I don't enjoy getting poked by a needle but it's better than sitting and waiting for something to happen.

Picked up my drugs. A tiny vail and lots of syringes.

The waiting room this morning was packed with women (and men, which is odd, usually, the guys stay away - maybe it's a first time for lots of them). Waiting room etiquette is unique. Most sit, intently scrutinising their magazine, not a word is spoken (unless you're with a friend or partner). Most of us, i think, steal glances at the others as they sit, wondering if we will notice anyone and recognise them (i think i saw a famous face today, although, couldn't have been that famous if i didn't know the name).

I live in terror of running into one of my clients there or them seeing my name on the list. I mean, what would it do to business! (we run our own company and at the moment, i feel if i were to disappear, it would all fall in a heap... and that would be no good because my clientelle is most of our income... not helping with the stress level)

I'm also off to accupuncture. not sure if it will help, but it is very relaxing and a bit of me time, although, one would wonder why i would want to be poked by needles again and again.

Anyway, waiting for their call to see if we're all clear to start the Lucrin.

Waiting for Round 2

Nobody ever expects to have problems conceiving. You start on the procreation journey with wild abandon, enjoying each other, thinking that it will happen when it happens. Quickly, swiftly it becomes a routine of thermometers, mucus, calendars and monthly disappointment.

We tried for a year, became pregnant, had a miscarriage and kept trying for another year and a half. This year, it was time to up the ante.

IVF #1 was what i called "easy" until we got into the 2 week wait. I suppose the fact that the drugs did very little to me, helped the "easy" description. We did a short cycle with only Puregon and Orgalutran. That first time, we collected 7 eggs, 6 of which were injected, 4 fertilised but only 2 made it to day 5. and they were dodgy and slow in development. They both ended up back in my body and i don't know which one implanted (or if both did). In the end Doc D called it a biochemical pregnancy and i, after spending nights over the toilet bowl, was utterly confused.

So here i am, again, waiting for the next cycle. The plan is to start Lucrin on day 22, then the Puregon and Lucrin, and so on and so forth.

I suppose at the end of round 1, we were over it, went away for 3 weeks holiday and came back saying we were in no rush and that we'd wait til next year. But as the days went on, i just wanted to be doing something! so we decided and now we wait for round 2.

Wish us luck!